Gastric Bypass Barbie

Barbie Celebrates Her 1 Year Blogiversary

1 Year ago today, I officially launched GastricBypassBarbie.com. Hard to believe, isn’t it? I mean, in those days, I didn’t know if anyone would find the site (let alone stick around and read my musings!) And if they actually did find me, I wasn’t sure they’d return! I vividly remember how excited I was to learn that 5 people had stopped by…or 1 person had left a comment. I was simply amazed that anyone would care what I had to say. Back then, I had no idea where the site would take me, how it would change over time, or how I would so radically evolve in the process!

Let me take you back to July 22, 2009.

I was 1-1/2 years post-op, and feeling as green as the day is long. A few, well-meaning people had “whispered” things into my ear that made me doubt whether I should even start a blog. They “helpfully” told me that I should “wait until I had three years of success under my belt” as a bariatric post-op; before I writing about my experiences; that way, people would “believe me more.” Other people told me that, since I was “so unusual” (in that, I’d lost more weight than the “average post-op,”) I’d just end up offending people, and no one would listen to anything I had to say, because it wouldn’t apply to them! In other words, there was a lot of negativity, disguised as supportive advice.

Fortunately, there was a lot MORE positivity and, being blindly optimistic, my passion for sharing won out! Well, *that* and I’m incredibly stubborn and impatient, so I didn’t want to wait. Of course, that didn’t stop me from wrestling with whether anyone would take me seriously for not having lived a very long bariatric after life. I had my doubts that I would find new and interesting things to say for longer than about a month; I wondered if I would always feel as enthusiastic, positive and successful as I did then. In July 2009, I was fresh, alive, inspired, largely unaffected by the online world…and filled with self-doubt.

When I pressed  the “Publish” button for that first time, I was both terrified and proud. After all, I had taken that first, big step –– even though I had NO IDEA where the road would take me.

Here’s how I would describe the Barbie from 1 year ago:

• Optimistic
• Wide-eyed
• Innocent
• Naive
• Encouraged
• Passionate
• Sensitive
• Thoughtful
• Motivated
• Healthy
• Focused
• Carefree
• Natural
• Reactionary
• Loving
• Generous
• Nervous

Well, I think it’s pretty clear to anyone who’s followed me over the course of the last 12 months that, while some things have remained the same, OTHER things are much different.

Here’s how I would describe the Barbie of today:

• Confident
• Focused
• Centered
• Grounded
• Guarded
• Positive
• Seasoned
• Aware
• Compassionate
• Skeptical
• Responsive
• Supportive
• Loving
• Generous
• Empowered
• Gratified
• Humbled

I’m sure I left out words from both lists, but I think you can see the idea. A lot of things can happen in 12 months, and my life is no exception. I wonder what the NEXT 12 months will hold? I guess we’ll have to wait until July 22, 2011 to find out

In the meantime, let me share a few, notable milestones from the past year:

1. I started seeing an amazing therapist (Jim) and we have made tremendous progress in ways I couldn’t have dreamed possible.
2. I have begun to find balance and harmony in my Bariatric After Life™ (work in progress)
3. I have become mentally and emotionally stronger, happier, more confident and deeper
4. I went to the 1st annual WLS Meet in Greet in Las Vegas as an exhibitor and speaker with MexiKen, Super Dave and Maid Marian Michele and made wonderful new friends and professional connections, including (in no particular order): Antonia Namnath – WLSFA.org, Dr. Bariatric, Sarah Will Be Skinny, Andrea JunglGirl, Lynnda, Mike and Toni, from BariatricTV, Ian McAgh and his lovely wife and son, T2Nashville, Tammy from Tennessee, Banded Wendy (and all the Banded Bitches), Nancy Weasel Hunt, ILTommyD (Tommy Dunmore from Illinois), JC (who had just begun his bypass journey about 3 weeks before the M&G), Amy Fekete (who videoed my talks), and a bunch of other people who are forever etched in my brain, but apparently not in my fingertips! You are not forgotten, I promise!
5. I launched my Youtube Channel (where, for the first time in my life, I do not run away from a video camera) and got to meet a bunch of remarkable people who comprise a vibrant and active WLS online community.
6. I joined Facebook and am rich with new and wonderful online friends.
7. I went to OH in Costa Mesa and made MORE wonderful new friends and professional connections, like: Dr. Garth Davis, Dr. Connie Stapleton (love her!), Yvonne McCarthy (Bariatric Girl), Teresa Dunn White (Celebrate Vitamins), Shannon Watts (Revival Soy) and many, many more!
8. I went to ASMBS in Las Vegas and — yes — made MORE wonderful new friends and professional connections: Susan Maria (Bariatric Eating), Dr. Guillermo Alvarez (Endobariatric, Piedras Negras, Mexico), Dr. Robert Davis, Dr. Marc from Bariatric Fusion, Eric, Kim and Kristin from Obesity Help and a bunch of other people whose names have escaped me, but whose impact on my life has not.
9. I participated in a photo shoot for the hospital where I had my RNY and will appear in their marketing materials. Billboards??? EEEK.
10. I will be attending the OH Conference in Cincinnati (crosses fingers) in August and Houston in November, and was even given my own discount code (GBBarbie) — How cool is that?
11. I have formed a team to participate in the Long Beach WALK FROM OBESITY (Team Barbie) in September, and already have 5 walkers and several sponsors.
12. I will turn “3-bariatric years old” in December.

This is, by no means a complete list but, it is from the heart. I mean, I knew my Blogiversary was coming up *soon,* but didn’t realize it was TODAY until I checked last night!  By golly, I was almost late to my OWN party (which is not hard to believe, if you know anything about me). So, while this is probably not how I envisioned my celebratory blog entry to read, it IS a finished blog entry, and it is published on the actual anniversary date, so I’m putting it squarely in the “success” column

Heck, maybe there’s a metaphor for my new life in there: I learn, I adapt, I risk, and then I do it all over again — whether I’m ready or not!

Anyway, I’ll leave you with this:

To those of you who have been with me from the beginning, I thank you for your encouragement and love.

For those who have discovered me along the way — and stuck around for the insanity — I thank you for your patience and fortitude.

For those of you who just found me today – I hope you will find something of value here on the site, return regularly, andl be encouraged to continue living the most fruitful and rewarding Bariatric After Life possible.

Most of all, to MexiKen, who continues to support and champion me as I forge my way through uncharted terrain, I give all of my love. I literally could not do this without his belief in me. He is my biggest fan (and I am his).

I’m not sure where this whole *thing* will take me, but I know this: Even though I don’t get paid a single penny to do it — but maybe one day will — I will continue to help others. It is my passion and my drug. My reward is knowing that, because I have chosen to be an open book with the online world, I have positively impacted others in ways I never imagined.

Though I have less “free time” than ever before, I am actually “freer” than I’ve ever been in my life, all because I am no longer ruled by “shoulds”, “colds”, “mights” and “musts.”

Thanks to all of you for your continued support, and let’s have fun in year 2!

Now, off to the elliptical!

Why Did I Choose Bariatric Surgery?

I don’t know if you’ve ever taken a poll, but when I ask WLS people “why” they chose to have bariatric surgery, I typically hear things like this:

• “I did it for my health.”
• “I did it because I didn’t want to die young.”
• “I did it because I wanted to be there for my kids.”
• “I did it to enjoy my grandkids.”
• “I did it so I could have surgery on my knees.”
• “I did it because I was tired of being tired.”
• “I did it to get rid of my diabetes/sleep apnea/high cholesterol/blood pressure problem.”

Here’s what I DON’T typically hear: “I did it so I would look hot.”

Okay, okay, *maybe* some people say they did it so their “clothes would fit better” or so they’d “feel better about themselves”…but I don’t hear a lot of people say they did it so they’d look sexy in pictures.

Guess what?  I did it so I’d look sexy in pictures.

Maybe that’s an oversimplification, but does that make me bad and wrong? Do you respect me less? Perhaps in some people’s eyes, it makes me shallow, vacuous, superficial, selfish, arrogant and self-absorbed. And maybe there is some truth to that. But, I despised the way I LOOKED, and I despised how that made me FEEL. If someone managed to sneak a picture of me, I was mortified by what I saw staring back at me from the image. That’s because I didn’t recognize that woman. The girl I remembered was young, bright eyed, had fabulous hair, a gorgeous smile (and, yes, always felt fat.) But this person’s eyes were dead (or just buried under the fat of her cheeks), her smile was forced (because she couldn’t lift the corners due to the aforementioned fat cheeks); she looked old and ugly, and her bras and panties were an embarrassment drying on the clothesline. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t make herself LOOK better. The makeup wouldn’t last (it would just wear off from sweat), the clothes were hideous and baggy, and she was utterly and completely self-conscious of her appearance all the time.

If she could have hidden away in a dark room forever and never left it, she would have.
If she never had to see old friends or family again, she wouldn’t have.
If she’d been able to stay away from clients, vendors, or parties, she’d have done it.

Can you understand why I had bariatric surgery, now?

In the past, when asked, I have usually said it was for my physical health (my back hurt, my knees hurt, I had fibromyalgia and hypothyroidism; I didn’t want to develop any co-morbidities), but in reality, that was secondary to my mental health. I was dead – inside and out; I had no value, purpose or self-worth. I was ugly, through and through.

Fortunately, gastric bypass surgery redeemed me from that misery and gave me a second chance at living the life I never dared to dream.

I’ve said it a million times in the past 2-1/2 years: “I have become the woman I always was.”

What does that mean, exactly? Well, it means that, as the weight melted away, it exposed a person I already knew and had waited my whole life to meet again. I didn’t experience the same identity crisis that many post-ops do when they look in the mirror and see a thin person staring back at them, because I didn’t see a fat person in the reflection at all. I saw a block of marble being chiseled away by the master’s hand to reveal the Venus de Milo (with arms, of course).

In other words,in my Bariatric After Life™, I have never had to overcome body dysmorphia or crisis of self. What I DID have to do was accept the speed at which it was all happening — but that wasn’t too much of a challenge (if you don’t count my utter and complete impatience at the process…)

So, where does that leave me now?

Today, I happen to love what I see in the mirror; I love the woman I’ve become because she finally matches the image I’ve always held so closely inside the deepest recesses of my heart. I am free to shine — without limitation or restriction. I feel like I can fly EVERY SINGLE DAY. Oh, sure, sometimes I get disappointed when I see my shrinkly tummy or melty legs, but I don’t linger there because I have too much living to do. It is what is is. I am who I am. Why let silly things hold me back — for even an instant?

Am I gloating or bragging? I hope you don’t think so, but why else would I be sharing this (you ask)?

I guess it’s because I want you to know that we all have different reasons for choosing bariatric surgery to treat our obesity, but not everyone would consider all of them “worthy”, “upstanding”, “ethically justified” or “altruistic”. Fortunately, I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about whether my decision was “acceptable” to the masses or not.

I accept it…
MexiKen accepts it…
My family and friends accept it…
And that’s good enough for me.

You know, I did a ton of “internal” emotional work before surgery – about 5-7 years’ worth – but in the final analysis, I was more enticed by the reward of external improvement than internal improvement, so maybe that explains why I have so easily accepted my bariatric after-self.

Or…maybe I just did it to LIVE.

All I know is, my long-lost friend has returned, and I don’t ever want her to go away again.

How Far Out Are You?

In my experience, most people in the WLS community are preoccupied with bariatric “age.”

“How far out are you?”

At least that’s the first question I get asked since having laparoscopic RNY in December 2007. Truth be told, it’s the first question I ask others. Part of the reason I ask is because I think it’s more polite than asking “How much have you lost?” But the BIGGER part is I want to gage where I am on the bariatric barometer.

“Okay…let’s see…she is 4 years out and maintaining her XXX pound weight loss….he is 5 years out and regained about XX pounds…she is 6 months and has already lost XX pounds…I am 2 years and X months out, and I am maintaining a XXX pound weight loss. Great. Okay. I’m good.”

How silly is that? It’s illogical, really. I mean, I am the only one in my body, and the fact that Joe is able to maintain a certain weight loss, but Cindy regains has no bearing on me whatsoever.

Or, does it?

Physically, it sure doesn’t (unless our pouches are connected).

I think it’s emotional.

When I was 7, I wanted to be 10, because “10″ was a 2-digit number (much bigger!)
When I was 10, I wanted to be 13, because that would make me a TEENager.
When I was 13, I wanted to be 16, so I could drive.
When I was 16, i wanted to be 18, so I could…vote (and drink in Mexico. Let’s be honest.)
When I was 18, I wanted to be 20, so I wouldn’t have to be a TEENager anymore.
When I was 20, I wanted to be 21, so I could know everything.

Clearly, I had not thought beyond 21, because everything after that was not very exciting. Although, to be honest, I really LOVED turning 30 (because I felt like people would stop calling me a “baby” in the professional world and would begin “trusting” my expertise.) I also loved turning 40, because it meant I didn’t have to worry about what other people thought (LOL).

Anyway, the point is, I was never happy with my age, whatever it was. I ALWAYS yearned to be OLDER, because certain “rights”, “privileges” or “freedoms” came with the bigger number. What I learned when I turned 30 was that the number was less important than the attitude. Apparently, I forgot that for about 13 years — particularly after my bariatric surgery. It’s like I was 5 all over again… (“I wanna be older. I wanna grow up. I DON’T wanna be bigger…”)

So, yesterday, I had an epiphany. Someone was asking me the usual question: “How far out are you?” And, I began to calculate….“Well, on May 10, it will be 2 years and 5 months.” In my mind, I got a little depressed. Why? Because I *wanted* to be 3 Bariatric years old. The rationale? If I were 3 bariatric years old and STILL maintaining my weight loss, then I would magically be a greater *success.*

I kept going.

If I were 4, or 5 or 10 bariatric years old and STILL maintaining my weight loss — WOW! I would be so happy!

Even as I write this, I shake my head, because it hit me then (and is still with me now). My bariatric age no more determines my success than my physical age. The only thing that matters is NOW. This moment. Today.

Am I maintaining my weight loss? Pretty well, yes.
Am I happy? Pretty much, yes.
Will I still be the same size in 6 months? No one knows.

Basically, I will never again be the age I am today. I need to enjoy myself while I’m here, so I don’t look back over my shoulder and wish I were this young (or thin) again. There are no guarantees that I will be the same size in a week, let alone 6 months…2 years…or 20 years, so I must appreciate the gift I have right now and do what I can to ensure my long term success. That isn’t gonna happen if I keep focusing so far down the road. I need to pay attention to the steps I’m taking NOW.

So, that’s my epiphany.

What’s my bariatric age? Who cares? All I know is, I have packed a wonderful bag of food for my day, that includes fresh veggies, beans, yogurt and a few Greek olives. I have taken the steps to be a success FOR TODAY. Everything after that will happen in it’s own, good time.

While riding my LifeCycle this morning, I saw this quote in, of all places, a Danny Gokey video:

Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.

The words were so elegantly simple, I couldn’t believe that they were the answer to the question that had been plaguing me for several weeks: WHO AM I?

Am I Gastric Bypass Barbie?
Am I Cari?
Is there a difference?

Apparently, the answer is: I am ME.

When I blog or video as Gastric Bypass Barbie, it is really just an extension of who I am. I just show different sides of myself. On video, I am goofy, animated, informative and cheerful. On my blog, I am serious, irreverent, witty, encouraging and contemplative. Offline, I am energetic, ebullient, stressed, talkative, passionate and intense. In all places, I am open, honest, funny, strong, weak, but mostly: I am HUMAN.

That last point is critical, because it’s very easy to look at someone named “Barbie” and think “plastic, artificial, fake, not real, shallow or vacuous.”

Well, I’m none of those things, and yet, I think at times, the instinct is for people to forget that there is a real person behind the name, the words, and the images. Well, this real person has feelings, is sensitive, is thin-skinned, is blatantly honest, and is genuinely perky, optimistic and hopeful. This real person is opinionated, but not close-minded, welcomes debate, but is intolerant of personal attacks and insults. This real person has a job to do, and as far as I can tell, it is to share my story, my experiences, and my thoughts with the bariatric community, in the hope that I might do something as lofty as touching someone’s soul, or something as simple as just feeling better about today.

I am ME. If you don’t like that, please click off the page. You don’t have to come back, and I don’t need to hear why you are leaving.

I am ME. If that works for you, please let me know, visit often, and I’ll do my best to keep you inspired.

I am ME. And I’m not changing for anybody.

Basically, I may not weigh a lot, but it’s gonna take a lot more than a strong wind to blow me away. I have learned that the best possible person I can be is ME, so that’s exactly what I’m doing!

Now. Back to business. What shall I blog about tomorrow, and did I tell you about my newest protein shake?

Stay tuned! XXX 000 – Barb

Unplugging

After some soul-searching, and in the interest of self-preservation, I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to take a break and unplug for awhile to focus on my health and well-being.

Being Gastric Bypass Barbie is a role I take very seriously, because she is “me” and I am “her.” What that means is, that when I put myself out there as Barbie, I lay myself bare to judgment, criticism, unfair attacks and unwarranted persecution — things which take their toll over time, despite best efforts to rebuff them and remain dedicated to the true purpose of what I do.

Now, I am not writing this to elicit responses, words of praise, commendations, atta-girls, or notes of sympathy. I am merely explaining why I will be absent from the “ethersphere.”

In the meantime, thanks to those of you who have taken me under your wing and encouraged me to spread my message in my own little way; your compassion, wisdom and generosity can never be repaid.

I am gratified by the hundreds of messages I’ve received over the course of the past 9 months, and am honored that I was able to help make the bariatric journey more bearable for some of you. Of course, I will miss that, but I won’t miss the cruel barbs, attacks and unfounded accusations. After all, I’m only human — and one with problems that could easily get bigger than myself, if left unattended. I guess you could say, I “don’t have the stomach” for this sort of thing — LOL (Bariatric Joke).

Anyway, I’ll close with this: Thank you from the bottom of my Barbie Pink Heart for reading, watching and sharing my journey with me. When it was good, it was really, really good

I’ll be offline and not answering emails, Youtube comments, Facebook comments or Tweets, so please don’t send me anything if you are looking for a response.

Thanks again, and have a great day!

XXX 000 :-* — Barb

The Journey from Morbidly Obese to Fit & Fabulous

Feel free to watch my latest video. Currently, Youtube has blocked it due to copyright issues (I used music it it, and gave proper credit at the end, but they are disputing

*** UPDATE ***  Youtube accepted my dispute claim and lifted the quarantine! Yea!

Anyway, here it is, for your viewing pleasure.

Oh, if you like this, feel free to visit my Youtube channel for way fun (unblocked) videos: The Gastric Bypass Barbie Show

>>>Watch My WLS Story Here<<<

Enjoy and comment.

Bursting the Bypass Bubble:

Finding Balance Outside of My Cocoon

I originally wrote this last year, when I first started blogging. Of course, I had no traffic then, so no one read it. As I was preparing to write a fresh post this morning, I realized that I am struggling with the same thing this week that I was 6 months ago. Clearly, this will be an ongoing battle, but as I confirmed back in July, I WILL be the victor. Enjoy and comment!

For 20 months, I’ve mostly lived inside a ‘bypass bubble’ — a cocoon of my own creation. In this safe little world, all of my protein is measured, I take my vitamin supplements on schedule, I workout when I’m supposed to — and there are no donuts, cookies, chips or too much “anything” that I need to monitor and/or avoid.

But lately, as I’ve begun to stretch my “boundaries” by going to restaurants, parties, beach and camping trips, I realize that life in the real-world is vastly different from the façade I’ve unwittingly built for myself. In this world, restaurant servers put bottomless baskets of chips on your table, fruit and cheese is not measured, and salad can be consumed as quickly as you can shovel it in.

I’m writing about this because, for the two months, I’ve found myself battling with the same old demons I thought I had slain more than 2 years ago. Co-workers bring donuts to the office, my boss orders Boston Market (and there are ALWAYS cornbread muffins left over in the fridge), there are bags of Fruit Loops, Doritos and Kettle Corn in my pantry, and there’s always a fresh pot of coffee on the burner.
I thought I could handle it.

I thought it was a temporary setback.

But, as of last night, I realize that eating is something I have to do properly for the rest of my life, or I will regain all that I’ve worked so hard to shed. I need to stop looking at carbs as “bad” things and “temptations” and start looking at the good ones as fuel. I need to return to discipline and behavioral control I’ve worked so hard to create. I need to take this seriously.

When I make the choice to eat too many sugar free cookies too quickly, I’m not hurting anyone but myself. I’m not cheating on my husband or my employer; I’m cheating on myself, and when I put it that way, I realize how destructive the compulsive behavior really is. It’s like I’m trying to be twins: There’s the ‘good twin’ who measures, exercises, and lives well. And then there’s the ‘evil twin’ who will eat whatever she wants, and not worry about the consequences. Basically, the evil twin will misbehave and the good twin will pay the price. Unfortunately, I am NOT two people: I am one person who will both suffer and benefit from the choices I make.
So, this morning I asked myself: Am I going to let some unhappy “twin” rule my life, or am I going to allow the happy, well-adjusted, active person I’ve become run the show?

All I have is now. This moment. Today.

I can’t change what I did yesterday, and I have no control over what I will face tomorrow, but I CAN make the right choice at this point in time. That said, I got up at 6:45 (even though I got to bed at 12:30 a.m.), made my protein shake, and went to power tae aerobics at 8:30 (it wasn’t easy, but I did it!)

This life I’ve chosen is a series of battles to be fought and won. It is not one big war. If I lose one battle, that doesn’t mean I’ve lost the war — it just means I need to retreat, regroup, recenter — and prepare for the next assault!

As the butterfly cannot return to its cocoon once it emerges, neither can I live my life in a preplanned world where there are no surprises and nothing is ever spontaneous. I have to do my best to be prepared for the unexpected, but go with the flow when things aren’t as I hope.

This is what they call “life,” and I need to learn how to fully live it!

Last Vegas Meet ‘N Greet Details

Mark Your Calendars — You don’t wanna miss this event!

As many (if not all) of you know, SarahWillBeSkinny has been working feverishly to organize and promote the First Annual WLS Meet ‘N Greet in Las Vegas, February 19-21, 2010 at the Platinum Hotel. She’s done a bunch of videos, but here is a link to the latest:

Watch Sarah’s Video Here: Vegas M&G Update Part 1 of 2

Here are some details:
So many people RSVP’d, we needed more room. Which, if you think about it, is kinda ironic, considering we’re a bunch of bariatric people who take up LESS room now! Anyway, Sarah took donations to reserve a conference room that would accommodate 60 people, but we blew through that, so, my wonderful Plastic Surgeon, Dr. J. Timothy Katzen, stepped up to the plate and sponsored an additional conference room, right next door! I love that man.

Basically, we’ll have two rooms for fun and frolicking: A “Mingle Room” (Room A) and a “Lecture Room” (Room B).

According to the online buzz, folks are planning to be in Vegas anywhere from 3-5 days (!), although Sarah has been promoting the official event as running from February 19-21. Speakers and exhibitors are currently scheduled for Saturday, February 20, from 9 AM to 5 PM at the Platinum Hotel, although I know that many are planning get-togethers with online buddies for Friday, Saturday and even Sunday nights! This weekend should really rock!

If you’re the planning type, here’s what you can expect:

MINGLE ROOM
The crew from BariatricTV.com will be there to keep things lively.

Gastric Bypass Barbie will have a booth where you can come taste everything from Chobani Greek Yogurt, to Jarrow Whey protein, Protein Blitz drinks and BodyTech Pro Pudding. She’ll also have free samples of Jarrow EPS Probiotic, Protein-2-Go, and give you chances to win cool stuff.

Lots of unscheduled socializing!

LECTURE ROOM
Dr. Katzen (only the most amazing plastic surgeon in the world — did I overstate that?) will be lecturing from 10:30 to 11:30, and then he’ll do FREE consultations until 5 PM. The first 50 people who show up for his presentation will get a cool swag bag filled with nifty goodies! To schedule a consultation, contact Lieu Lopez @ Lieu@DoctorKatzen.com

Dr. Sharouz “Shahn” Ghodsian a bariatric specialist from St. Mary Medical Center and Tri-City Medical Center will be lecturing about long term health and nutrition in the bariatric after life. He is passionate about helping people like us lead the healthiest, happiest lives possible, and has some great tips to share!

I will also be giving a talk after lunch (OMG!) and I promise to keep it lively and entertaining. So be sure to put your butt in a chair or I’ll take it personally, feel bad and never agree to do this again (LOL — not likely, but come anyway!)

OTHER STUFF:
I am printing some custom tees for the show, so if you want to have a souvenir of the event, click here to see the two designs we’re voting on, and then email me quantity and size. They will be $15, and you MUST pre-order because I won’t be able to sell any at the show (I have to pay for these bad boys in advance!)

If you are looking forward to meeting your favorite buddies from the online bariatric community, this is your chance!

For more information, and to RSVP (there is no charge to attend this event; only travel and hotel fees), go to Sarah’s YouTube Channel and watch her broadcasts on the event: http://www.youtube.com/user/SarahWillBeSkinny

Blast From My Bariatric Past: My First Blog

I found this little gem buried over on a blog I had begun on BariatricEating.com. That’s where I posted it 10 days after I had Gastric Bypass surgery. I guess I had decided that I would be a blogger, even then. Of course, there is only ONE entry…so maybe I wasn’t as ready as I thought I was.

Dec 20 2007, 01:05 PM

JOURNEY FROM THE TYRANNY OF NUMBERS

Last night, before bed, I arrived at the most wonderful and empowering conclusion: I WILL NO LONGER BE DEFINED NUMBERS. What does this mean? Well, to explain this, I’ll have to go back a few years…like 41!

Numerical Milestones (Definitions)

• I learned to read by age 2-1/2 and started kindergarten at age 4.
• At age 5-1/2, my mom and dad couldn’t afford private school for my brother and I (having just purchased their first home), so we were relegated to “public school.” I was in a “split class” for 1st and 2nd graders. Unfortunately, I was way ahead of the 1st graders, and kept peeking over at what the 2nd graders were doing. How I longed to be a 2nd grader…but I was only 5-1/2.
• By 3rd grade, my classmates and I had “caught up” with one another, and I was now at their level.
• When I was born, I weighed 11 lbs., 6 oz, 23″ long. and was awarded the title of “Biggest baby born at Balboa Hospital in 1966″. What an honor.
• When I was in 5th grade, everyone had to measure their body parts and be weighed. I was awarded dual titles: Heaviest in class (108 lbs) and Biggest Head Circumference (15-1/2″). It didn’t matter that I was one of the tallest at 62″.
• When I was in 7th grade, I wanted to wear the same designer jeans that my friends wore. You know, “Dittos” (with the horseshoe seam running up one leg, across the fanny, and down the other leg), and “Jordache.” But I couldn’t, because I was a size 13, and they only came up to size 9.
• In 1980, I went to Catalina with my friend and her parents. I weighed 160 lbs. When I returned, I decided to lose weight, which I did, with great success. (Snacks consisted of 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 5 saltine crackers, and 1 small can of V8.)
• By the start of 10th grade, I weighed 145 lbs. and wore a size 11-13. Only now, I was 66″ tall, so the pounds had redistributed to my “shirt pockets” and hips.
• Throughout high school, I worried about my grades (93% on this test, minus 4 on that one), my GPA (3.3 in college prep courses) and my weight (and constant battle between a “low” of 143 and a “high” of 167.) My friends were all thin (they could wear size 26 Levis 501’s, and size 5 clothes.) Even my feet were bigger…I was an 8-1/2, while they wore 6’s and 7’s. Face it, these were not the halcyon days of Queen Latifah and J-Lo, so big butts and dangerous curves weren’t celebrated.
• In 12th grade, I took the SATs. Unfortunately, I had a 103º temperature, and wasn’t feeling well. The numbers showed it! 480 Math, 550 Language. For years, I’d inflated these scores to 1120 or 1170 — even until this moment. But those are the true figures and, no, I didn’t retake the test, but could have.
• I graduated with honors (3.38 gpa) in 1984.
• I didn’t go to college with the rest of my friends (but should have). They had $50,000 scholarships for UCLA and Stanford, and I didn’t.
• At 18, I moved into my own apartment with a roommate. (She was a size 7, while I was a 14).
• In 1985, I got a “real” job ($6.50 per hour!) so I could pay my half of the rent ($230) and pay for important things, like cigarettes ($.75 a pack) — which I had begun smoking that year. (Don’t worry, I quit in 1988)
• In 1987, I learned about credit scores. Apparently, my “number” was “really high!” and qualified me to bury myself in unrecoverable debt by buying a 1988 Jeep Wrangler (6.0 litre engine, 5 speed, 4×4 transmission).
• In 1988 I learned what happens when you take bad tax advice and write “12″ as the number of dependents on your W2. I had to repay $2,250 dollars to the federal government, when I had only GROSSED $10,500 for the year.
• In January of 1989, I learned about bankruptcy. I can’t believe I thought $7,000 was 1,000,000 dollars…but to me, it might as well have been a trillion.
Fortunately, in November of that year, I also learned about marriage. I weighed 189 lbs and wore a size 18.
• In February of 1990, I joined Weight Watchers for the first time. I weighed 204 lbs (having crossed the dreaded “200” threshhold).
• By March of 1990, I was 6 weeks pregnant, and sicker than a dog. Within 4 weeks, I dropped 19 lbs — not the way to begin a pregnancy. Throughout those 9 months, I struggled to find maternity clothes that would fit a “whale” (size 18-20). I gained a total of 26 lbs. by the time I delivered my beautiful daughter, Hannah Rose (a “respectable” 8 lbs., 2 oz., 20-1/2″ long).
• After she was born, I gained 70 lbs.
• Then I learned about Wellbutrin (a drug that would treat my newly-diagnosed chemical depression.) I had to take it 4 times a day, and it cost $1.00 per pill, but it was worth it, and I lost those 70 lbs — plus.
• Of course, in the midst of this weight loss-weight gain chaos, I still had to make a living. Enter, a new set of numbers by which to define myself: A PAYCHECK. Remember that I chose to forego college in favor of joining the working wold. In the ensuing years, I’d dallied with community college, only to be bored and drop out. By 1996, I’d scratched and clawed my way up the corporate ladder, from receptionist ($6.50/hr), to secretary ($8.00…$9.00….$21,000 per year…) to technical writer and trainer ($25,000/year), to technical writer ($31,000/year) — which is where I’d been stagnating since 1992. I wanted a better title, I wanted a better paycheck, but I didn’t have a degree. My whole life, people had told me how incredibly talented, smart and hard-working I was. But that didn’t translate to a promotion or pay increase. Only 4 years of school would do that. So, in 1996, I embarked upon, what would become, a 6-year journey toward, what I incorrectly believed would make me instantly valuable.
• What it DID do, was put 60 lbs. on my body. What it DIDN’T do was make me a salary star.
• By 2000, I’d graduated as class Salutatorian with my BSBA from University of Phoenix, and was deeply entrenched in a new degree: Master of Arts in Technology Based Education. More numbers….2 years.
• Then came the student loans (now due, because of graduation): $30,000.
• Then came the motor homes (20 feet, then 27 feet), which I enjoyed, but only with great pain and suffering. You see, I couldn’t fit in the bathroom of my first motorhome and had to “shimmy” up a ladder for bed. By now, I weighed 275 lbs. Getting out of the motor home was a white-knuckle affair which ended in 2 serious falls over the course of 4 years. After all, a 4″ stair is hardly big enough for a size 10-1/2 (W) foot.
• Over the course of 7 years, my family, along with our very best friends, took amazing camping vacations up and down the west coast. But, we never went anywhere too hot, since I couldn’t wear shorts, a tank top, or a bathing suit. No, we had to stay where the temperature would not exceed 80º.
• By 2006, I was tipping the scales at 316 lbs. At my wit’s end, I pleaded with my doctor for help. Why couldn’t I stay on a diet for longer than 1 week? Why couldn’t I even lose 5 lbs? Why was I terrified of exercising 30 minutes a day? How did I become a size 28? I needed help for anxiety and depression, but the anxiety meds caused — you guessed it — WEIGHT GAIN! So I ruled those out, opting instead, to treat my chemical depression and hope for the best. Welcome back, my old friend, Wellbutrin! Maybe THIS would help me lose 70 lbs. again! But, it wasn’t working the same way this time. Oh, sure, my depression was MOSTLY gone, and I was able to function a bit better, but I was still a hopeless failure.
• Until I turned 40, on 12/07/06. That’s the date I refer to as the beginning my journey from the tyranny of numbers. You see, most women are terrified of turning 40, but not me. I decided to embrace it for all it was worth. After all, my daughter was 16 and learning to drive. Soon, she’d be graduating, and it would just be my husband and me in the house. Yes, I’d decided that I was YOUNG enough to enjoy the “second plus” half of my life, even more than the first!

Which brings me to this moment. In June of 2007, I began taking Meridia, to aid in my weight loss. To my astonishment, it worked! I was finally able to concentrate on a sensible eating plan, AND incorporate exercise in my daily routine. Oh, goodness! Did I say “routine”? Yes, I finally have a routine! By surgery date (12/10/07), I’d managed to lose 50 lbs and was going to the gym 5 mornings a week for 1-1/2 hours! I’d gone from a size 28 to a size 22 bottom and 18-20 top. Today, I’ve added 15 lbs. to that number, making a grand total of 65 lbs. lost.

But, you know what?

Since I came to my conclusion about numbers, pulling on the size 20 jeans (that had been quite snug only 2 weeks ago) didn’t imbue me with the kind of joy I imagined it would, nor did standing on the scale and reading a “remarkably small number” (252). No, the thing that gave me joy was sitting on the couch, seeing a markedly smaller thigh, and realizing that, when I use my newfound muscle, I’ve got a pretty firm — muscular leg now And that’s how I intend to continue my life; focusing on results, instead of numbers…how I feel, instead of how others think I should feel…and how much better life is now that I’ve decided I count.

Oh, sure, I’ll continue to worry about SOME numbers, like: # of years married (18 and counting), ring size (6 and shrinking), # of people of love (too many to count), # of reasons I’m happy I had gastric bypass (infinitesimal).

Today, when I woke up, I hugged myself when I realized that I count in this world and THAT adds up to a joy-filled life.

Comments for today (2+ Years later):

It is interesting to see how differently I view the world now — 2+ years later. Am I really free from the tyranny of numbers? Maybe I’m not oppressed by them, but I still have to pay attention to them.

• How much protein am I getting in each day? 80-100+g
• How long was my cardio session today? 50 minutes; 22 miles on Life Cycle; 327 calories burned
• Did I drink enough fluid? 32 oz so far.
• How many carbs are in that thing? Probably fewer than 10
• How much do my supplements cost each month?! $150+
• How many friends do I have on Facebook today? Surprisingly Lots!

I guess numbers will always matter…I just won’t allow myself to be enslaved by them.

For those of you who had WLS, do you remember what you were thinking and feeling 2 weeks out from your surgery? Did you believe you’d never have to worry about the things that had plagued you while you were obese? Things like NUMBERS? How realistic was your vision of the future? Mine was…well…a little off But then…so am I!

I FREAKIN’ DID IT!

VROOOM! VROOOM!

If someone had told me 2 years ago that I’d be racing a go-kart 45 MPH around an indoor track, I’d have told them that would be plain old crazy. Of course, now that I’ve FREAKIN’ done it, I’d have to agree…it IS a little crazy (and a little painful), but MAN, did I have an awesome time beating the boys…

They say you don't win 2nd, you lose first. Well, I won 2nd!

Once again, I’m tickled Barbie Pink ‘cuz my homegirls over on BariatricTV featured me in their brand-spanking new “I Freakin’ Did It!” segment! I can’t freakin’ believe they picked me, but more importantly, I can’t believe that AWESOME pink helmet Toni is wearing! (Must have! Must have!)

If you like what you see, make sure you subscribe to the show. That way, you’ll be able to watch each new weekly episode — HOURS before the “regular” peeps get a chance to see it!