Gastric Bypass Barbie

Somehow, I wasn’t ready for this…

So, yesterday was a really emotional day. Far more emotional than I’d anticipated it would be (isn’t that always the case?) You see…yesterday would have been my mom and dad’s 48th wedding anniversary. Unfortunately, we lost him on March 26 of 2009, so he wasn’t here to celebrate with my mom. It was also the anniversary of the day he had a stroke that landed him in the hospital. At the time, none of us thought it was that serious, because he’d had lots of little strokes over the course of his life (beginning when he was 27!), and we were sure this was “just another one.” I know, I know…that sounds crazy. But, that’s just the kind of man my dad was; you rarely knew he was sick — until he was REALLY sick, but even then, he always pulled through. And, besides, he was three months shy of turning 80 so…still fairly young (at least in my mind).

Unfortunately, last year at this time, I was recovering from reconstructive surgery, so I was still in a great deal of pain, not able to leave the house, and drugged out of my mind. What that means is, I wasn’t able to race to the hospital to be with him. Fortunately, my then-18-year-old daughter was, and did. She was wonderful and I’m so glad she was there.

Anyway, I won’t rehash everything that happened then, because I’ve written about it before — but I’ll just say that it was a difficult time that was complicated by my condition, and I evidently still carry a bunch of guilt about it. It’s not conscious, because consciously, I understand that there was nothing I could do about my physical state. I couldn’t change the fact that I my entire upper body was one big “stitch,” or that I walked like C3P0. That was a fact of life. And yet…somewhere, in the deep recesses of my mind, I am kicking myself over and over and over for not being with my dad while he was still able to speak. See? I’m crying about it all over again now.

So, yesterday, I was totally focused on my mom. I wanted to make sure that she was okay and didn’t feel alone. I made sure Juan and Hannah called her and talked to her, and so did I. She seemed pretty okay — she can be quite tough when she wants to be.

And I figured that was the end of that.

But clearly, it wasn’t.

The day started off on a low-note for me because I was absolutely exhausted from the weekend. I felt like I’d been running on the hamster wheel non-stop for 72-hours. I’d gone to the gym early Saturday morning for some solid-uninterrupted cardio and weight training, then I came home to shower, shine, and shoot and edit my first Barbie program for Youtube. I’d created a ton of pressure for myself because i announced that I would be throwing the switch on it (after what I felt was too long a wait, anyway), so I HAD to do it. Never mind that I had NO IDEA HOW to do it (since I’d never shot a video before). Never mind that I had NO IDEA HOW to use the editing software. Never mind that I was a nervous Nellie about my on-air demeanor. After all, I’d spent my entire life avoiding video cameras. I was stilted and unnatural and…well…my real personality never came out because i was too busy being fat. So, as you can see, I had some nerves and pressure happening.

Fortunately, after 4-1/2 hours of editing, I got it done — but I wasn’t finished! Next, I had to schlep down to Newport Beach to see a girl about a vegetable spiralizer (I’ll discuss that little gem on a future blog or in a video), and then we raced to Super Dave and Maid Marian Michele’s house to cook dinner — which, by the way, was magnificent. We did McNee’s pumpkin seed encrusted fish, some butternut squash with wilted spinach, and a really awesome salad (complete with hard boiled eggs!). The company was wonderful and we had a great time. Well, we got home and into bed by about 11ish, and then I had to get up to go to church. I was sacristan for three masses and had to be there from 8:30 to 1:30.

When I got home, I shot 3 more videos (so I’d have stuff to edit this week), and then it was off to Beverly Hills to meet with Dr. Bariatric about a bunch of really important “stuff” (which you will learn about in the future.)

We got home around 7, and it was back to the “editing bay” so I could hammer out my next video. That put me in bed at 11 — which is at least an hour past my bedtime.

So, by the time I woke up yesterday morning, rather than feeling rested and ready for the work week, I felt like I was starting at the bottom of 100 flights of stairs with not even enough energy to ascend the first step…let alone a whole flight.

Let me just say that starting at the bottom is no way to begin a Monday. I even flirted with the idea of calling in sick. But, I had too much to do, so I couldn’t.

Anyway, by the time I left my house, I was feeling pretty good. I had an amazingly thick and creamy chocolate “caffeccino” protein shake, I had packed a good lunch, I had a full-size tire on my car again (so I could take the freeway to work), and I was raring to go — albeit, 15 minutes behind schedule, and I hadn’t even worked OUT in the morning.

By 11:30, I was on the late side of my mid-morning snack, but decided to do my nacho “thang.” (Here’s where the downhill slide unwittingly began.) There was a bag of Ramona’s tortilla chips on the counter in the kitchen at work. So, rather than go “all the way” back to my office to grab my safe chips, I decided I’d “just eat a few of those.” No problem, they were light and crunchy and salty and…really yummy. I wonder how much more “fattening” these are than my safe chips. Mine are 150 calories per serving, 15 carbs, but loaded with 7 grams of protein. These are…let me put…my…glasses…on…WHAT??!!! 509 CALORIES PER 1 OZ SERVING???!!!! Most chips (Fritos, Tostitos) have around 150-200 for a serving. What gives with Ramona’s??

Are they freaking KIDDING me?

Okay. Not a problem. Now, you know. It’s good. Just…step away from the chips and return to normal life. It’s behind you now. You’re good. Lunch will be better. Fish, butternut squash, small salad-ette. GOOD.

And it was.

Until I got hungry at around 3:30 and ate some damned Necco wafers. I had completely avoided the donuts that had been there for TWO WHOLE DAYS, and now this? Stupid candy?

No problem. It’s all good. I’ll drink some water and life will be good.

And on it went when I got home. Oooohhhh, yummy cereal with raisins! Whatever it we, I ate it while spending another 4-1/2 hours editing my next video installment. I had technical difficulties in the end, so when I should have been going to bed, there I was, fiddling with the video.

I finally got to bed at: MIDNIGHT.

Do you think I felt like getting up at 5:20 AM?
Do you think I felt like working out?
Do you think I NEED to work out, after that dreadful day yesterday?
Can I feel the lard from the chips coursing through my veins (and making my fingers swell?)

Yes, to all of the above.

And so it was: The day that I didn’t see coming.

You see, last week, I’d blogged about how I knew why I binged. So, this week, i was ready for that stuff. I was mindful of not attributing malicious intentions to people’s behaviors and comments. I was mindful of not accepting unwanted judgment.

I was NOT mindful of grief and exhaustion.

Clearly, this is a multi-faceted problem. Sigh.

Fortunately, today is another day, and I can accomplish great things. Now…I just have to figure out how to juggle vlogging, blogging and facebooking….