Gastric Bypass Barbie

Hot Air Balloons, Regain, & Ruby Red Slippers (Oh, My!)

This morning, while Enrique Elliptical and I were having our 45 minutes of cardio together, I got a visual of myself rising up into the air (like a balloon). I was frantically kicking and flailing my arms in a feeble attempt to stay on the ground, but no matter what I did, I couldn’t stop myself from drifting away.

Then, I visualized Dorothy, from the Wizard of Oz. Remember how she got into the basket of the hot air balloon with the Great Oz, after he promised to take her back home? Remember how Toto jumped out at the last second, forcing her to dive right out after him? Of course, we all know what happened next: The balloon drifted away because it didn’t have enough sand bags to weight it down. No matter what Dorothy did, she could not stop it from happening.

Though the entire movie, she tried heroically to get home, but once she missed that balloon, we were all convinced that she’d be stuck in Oz forever. That is, of course, until Glenda (the Good Witch) returned to tell her that she’s always had the power to go home; all she had to do was wish hard enough and click her ruby red slippers together.

So, how does this little tale apply to me in my Bariatric After Life™? Well, the runaway balloon represents weight regain. Remember how I said that I’d visualized myself floating away, unable to keep my feet on the ground? Remember how Dorothy couldn’t keep that balloon on the ground either?

As it turns out, the balloon (and all of the things Dorothy tried in Oz) represented OUTWARD forces – things that were OUT OF HER CONTROL. The ruby red slippers were the manifestation of all that was INSIDE; her INWARD FORCES. Ultimately, she needed to fail at all of her externally motivated attempts so she could finally see that, only by looking inside herself, would she be able to achieve her dream of returning home.

This is what codependency is all about; the idea that we are affected by and seek answers from outward forces, when we really should be looking WITHIN.

What I realized after this little movie played out in my head was this: I have the power to control my weight regain. I am not a hot-air balloon that is leaving without me — I am Dorothy who knows there is NO PLACE LIKE HOME because I have always been there. I’ve always had the control to be where I most wanted to be — and that’s where I stand today.

Today, I had to remember that I have the God-given power within me to achieve whatever I need to achieve – and I don’t need a wise and powerful Oz to live a healthy and happy bariatric after life.

It’s such a simple lesson, it’s hard to believe I ever missed it. But, I guess life is made up of lots of simple answers – which I just like to make more complicated.

Hey, I think I need a pair of cute little ruby red pumps. Uh, so I can always find my way home.

Barbie Celebrates Her 1 Year Blogiversary

1 Year ago today, I officially launched GastricBypassBarbie.com. Hard to believe, isn’t it? I mean, in those days, I didn’t know if anyone would find the site (let alone stick around and read my musings!) And if they actually did find me, I wasn’t sure they’d return! I vividly remember how excited I was to learn that 5 people had stopped by…or 1 person had left a comment. I was simply amazed that anyone would care what I had to say. Back then, I had no idea where the site would take me, how it would change over time, or how I would so radically evolve in the process!

Let me take you back to July 22, 2009.

I was 1-1/2 years post-op, and feeling as green as the day is long. A few, well-meaning people had “whispered” things into my ear that made me doubt whether I should even start a blog. They “helpfully” told me that I should “wait until I had three years of success under my belt” as a bariatric post-op; before I writing about my experiences; that way, people would “believe me more.” Other people told me that, since I was “so unusual” (in that, I’d lost more weight than the “average post-op,”) I’d just end up offending people, and no one would listen to anything I had to say, because it wouldn’t apply to them! In other words, there was a lot of negativity, disguised as supportive advice.

Fortunately, there was a lot MORE positivity and, being blindly optimistic, my passion for sharing won out! Well, *that* and I’m incredibly stubborn and impatient, so I didn’t want to wait. Of course, that didn’t stop me from wrestling with whether anyone would take me seriously for not having lived a very long bariatric after life. I had my doubts that I would find new and interesting things to say for longer than about a month; I wondered if I would always feel as enthusiastic, positive and successful as I did then. In July 2009, I was fresh, alive, inspired, largely unaffected by the online world…and filled with self-doubt.

When I pressed  the “Publish” button for that first time, I was both terrified and proud. After all, I had taken that first, big step –– even though I had NO IDEA where the road would take me.

Here’s how I would describe the Barbie from 1 year ago:

• Optimistic
• Wide-eyed
• Innocent
• Naive
• Encouraged
• Passionate
• Sensitive
• Thoughtful
• Motivated
• Healthy
• Focused
• Carefree
• Natural
• Reactionary
• Loving
• Generous
• Nervous

Well, I think it’s pretty clear to anyone who’s followed me over the course of the last 12 months that, while some things have remained the same, OTHER things are much different.

Here’s how I would describe the Barbie of today:

• Confident
• Focused
• Centered
• Grounded
• Guarded
• Positive
• Seasoned
• Aware
• Compassionate
• Skeptical
• Responsive
• Supportive
• Loving
• Generous
• Empowered
• Gratified
• Humbled

I’m sure I left out words from both lists, but I think you can see the idea. A lot of things can happen in 12 months, and my life is no exception. I wonder what the NEXT 12 months will hold? I guess we’ll have to wait until July 22, 2011 to find out

In the meantime, let me share a few, notable milestones from the past year:

1. I started seeing an amazing therapist (Jim) and we have made tremendous progress in ways I couldn’t have dreamed possible.
2. I have begun to find balance and harmony in my Bariatric After Life™ (work in progress)
3. I have become mentally and emotionally stronger, happier, more confident and deeper
4. I went to the 1st annual WLS Meet in Greet in Las Vegas as an exhibitor and speaker with MexiKen, Super Dave and Maid Marian Michele and made wonderful new friends and professional connections, including (in no particular order): Antonia Namnath – WLSFA.org, Dr. Bariatric, Sarah Will Be Skinny, Andrea JunglGirl, Lynnda, Mike and Toni, from BariatricTV, Ian McAgh and his lovely wife and son, T2Nashville, Tammy from Tennessee, Banded Wendy (and all the Banded Bitches), Nancy Weasel Hunt, ILTommyD (Tommy Dunmore from Illinois), JC (who had just begun his bypass journey about 3 weeks before the M&G), Amy Fekete (who videoed my talks), and a bunch of other people who are forever etched in my brain, but apparently not in my fingertips! You are not forgotten, I promise!
5. I launched my Youtube Channel (where, for the first time in my life, I do not run away from a video camera) and got to meet a bunch of remarkable people who comprise a vibrant and active WLS online community.
6. I joined Facebook and am rich with new and wonderful online friends.
7. I went to OH in Costa Mesa and made MORE wonderful new friends and professional connections, like: Dr. Garth Davis, Dr. Connie Stapleton (love her!), Yvonne McCarthy (Bariatric Girl), Teresa Dunn White (Celebrate Vitamins), Shannon Watts (Revival Soy) and many, many more!
8. I went to ASMBS in Las Vegas and — yes — made MORE wonderful new friends and professional connections: Susan Maria (Bariatric Eating), Dr. Guillermo Alvarez (Endobariatric, Piedras Negras, Mexico), Dr. Robert Davis, Dr. Marc from Bariatric Fusion, Eric, Kim and Kristin from Obesity Help and a bunch of other people whose names have escaped me, but whose impact on my life has not.
9. I participated in a photo shoot for the hospital where I had my RNY and will appear in their marketing materials. Billboards??? EEEK.
10. I will be attending the OH Conference in Cincinnati (crosses fingers) in August and Houston in November, and was even given my own discount code (GBBarbie) — How cool is that?
11. I have formed a team to participate in the Long Beach WALK FROM OBESITY (Team Barbie) in September, and already have 5 walkers and several sponsors.
12. I will turn “3-bariatric years old” in December.

This is, by no means a complete list but, it is from the heart. I mean, I knew my Blogiversary was coming up *soon,* but didn’t realize it was TODAY until I checked last night!  By golly, I was almost late to my OWN party (which is not hard to believe, if you know anything about me). So, while this is probably not how I envisioned my celebratory blog entry to read, it IS a finished blog entry, and it is published on the actual anniversary date, so I’m putting it squarely in the “success” column

Heck, maybe there’s a metaphor for my new life in there: I learn, I adapt, I risk, and then I do it all over again — whether I’m ready or not!

Anyway, I’ll leave you with this:

To those of you who have been with me from the beginning, I thank you for your encouragement and love.

For those who have discovered me along the way — and stuck around for the insanity — I thank you for your patience and fortitude.

For those of you who just found me today – I hope you will find something of value here on the site, return regularly, andl be encouraged to continue living the most fruitful and rewarding Bariatric After Life possible.

Most of all, to MexiKen, who continues to support and champion me as I forge my way through uncharted terrain, I give all of my love. I literally could not do this without his belief in me. He is my biggest fan (and I am his).

I’m not sure where this whole *thing* will take me, but I know this: Even though I don’t get paid a single penny to do it — but maybe one day will — I will continue to help others. It is my passion and my drug. My reward is knowing that, because I have chosen to be an open book with the online world, I have positively impacted others in ways I never imagined.

Though I have less “free time” than ever before, I am actually “freer” than I’ve ever been in my life, all because I am no longer ruled by “shoulds”, “colds”, “mights” and “musts.”

Thanks to all of you for your continued support, and let’s have fun in year 2!

Now, off to the elliptical!

FAQ: Vitamins and Supplements in the Bariatric After Life

I get a LOT of questions about the vitamins and supplements I take on a daily basis. (Probably because I comment a lot about the vitamins and supplements I take on a daily basis). Most of the questions revolve around what, how much, and why I take what I take. So, I figured I’d make it easy and just encapsulate it here. Bear in mind that I am NOT a nutritionist, doctor, nurse, medical professional, healthcare practitioner, or vitaminologist. I did my research, paid attention to people I trust, and have gleaned all of this stuff from their expertise.

What supplements do I take, and why?

Multi-Vitamin. I like Celebrate chewables the very best, but I also sometimes take Bariatric Advantage multi. Either way, I ensure that the formula includes Vitamin K. Why? Because it has been suggested that Vitamin K can prevent or treat osteoporosis and the loss of bone density. Some studies also find that it might have anticancer benefits, and indication is that it prevents hardening of the arteries, which aids in preventing heart disease and heart failure. You can get Vitamin K from many green, leafy veggies, but if you can’t get them all there (and who can?), be sure your multi-vitamin includes it.

B-12 (Sublingual)
First off, the reason you take this sublingually is, that’s the best and fastest way for the body to absorb it. Now, B12 is needed to prevent anemia and aids folic acid in regulating the formulation of red bloods cells. It helps utilize iron, is required for proper digestion, absorption of foods, synthesis of protein and the metabolism of carbohydrates and fats. It’s ideal if your B12 supplement also contains folic acid (I buy mine from Trader Joe’s).

Possible signs of deficiency: Chronic fatigue, constipation, depression, digestive disorders, dizziness, drowsiness, enlarged liver, eye disorders, hallucinations (!), headaches, inflammation of the tongue, irritability, memory loss, moodiness, nervousness, palpitations, ringing in the ears, pernicious anemia (no, not promiscuous anemia) and other stuff.

Natural sources of B12: If you are veggie (like me), you must remember to supplement religiously, because B12 is found almost exclusively in animal tissue. It can be hard to spot deficiency because your body can store B12 for up to FIVE YEARS!

Folic Acid (as part of my sublingual B12)
Brain food. Folic acid is need for energy production and formation of red blood cells. It strengthens immunity by aiding in the proper formation and functioning of white blood cells. Aids in protein metabolism and may help depression and anxiety.

Signs of deficiency: A sore red tongue is one sign, but so are anemia, apathy, digestive disturbances (heck, I’m one BIG digestive disturbance since bypass – LOL), malabsorption problems (just what we need, right?) fatigue, insomnia and other junk. Important: Eat fresh fruits and veggies wherever possible because cooking them destroys the folic acid.

B-Complex (B1, B6, B12)
Why B6? Also known as pyrydoxine, it is involved in more bodily functions that almost any other single nutrient. It affects both physical and mental health and is beneficial if you suffer from water retention. This vitamin aids in potassium balance and is required by the nervous system for normal brain function. B6 helps the body absorb B12 and plays a role in cancer immunity.

Signs of deficiency: Anemia, headaches, nausea, flaky skin, sore tongue, acne, arthritis, conjunctivitis, cracks or sores in the mouth and lips, depression, dizziness, fatigue, hyper-irritability (and you thought it was all hormones!), impaired wound healing, weak memory and other stuff.

B1 (Thiamine).
This is also known as the energy nutrient and is responsible for many cellular interactions in the body. One of the key things is that it helps your cells use oxygen to convert carbs and other sugars into energy. Without adequate levels of B1, this process slows or stops altogether (eek!)

Possible signs of deficiency: Loss of appetite (okay, that might be a bonus), tiredness or feelings of extreme laziness, indigestion, constipation, muscle tenderness (like when you get charlie horses), numbness in arms and legs. It’s hard to overdose on B1, but still, you shouldn’t megadose on it

Of note: People who are at risk for B1 deficiency include: alcoholics and coffee or tea drinkers (basically, anyone who drinks more than 3 cups of coffee per day.) Why? Since you will excrete the B1 through your kidneys, you might need 5-10x the amount of B1 as other people Hmmm…maybe I should *stop* taking my vitamins with my coffee…

Natural sources of B1 include: Sunflower seeds (raw), tuna, black beans, lentils, asparagus and romaine lettuce. However, you kinda have to eat a LOT to get enough, so…while it doesn’t hurt to get B1 through food sources, it’s most likely not enough, so you must supplement!

Calcium
Okay, I’m not gonna go into the whys and wherefores of this stuff because everyone says something different. All you need to know is this: Most people agree that the best form for bariatric folks is citrate. How much you take is really going to depend upon your doctor’s advice, your bloodwork, and your own research. Again, depending upon who you talk to, you’ll be told that you need between 1200 and 2000 mg PER DAY of this stuff, over and above the calcium you get from food sources (like greek yogurt). The most critical thing you should understand is that, unless you are a professional, you mustn’t mix your calcium with your iron; separate them by at LEAST 2 hours. Also, don’t take more than 400-500 mg at a single dose, as your body will not absorb it. We all know that calcium is critical for bones and teeth, and we bariatric people don’t absorb it easily, so we are prone to brittle bone disease, osteoporosis and other stuff. Just take it, okay?

Iron
Here’s another supplement where your mileage may vary. Ferrate sulfate, elemental? Who knows, right? The bottom line is, just take it. Do your research, figure it out, and take it — BUT, don’t do it at the same time as your calcium and…try adding Vitamin C to help absorption. Some formulations will lead to constipation; others are more gentle, so find one that works for you. That’s all I’m gonna say about that (I’m no expert!)

Probiotics
Many bariatric surgeons have finally learned that probiotics are vital to the daily supplemental regimen of their patients — but sadly, many have not. Whether your doctor agrees or not is none of my business, but I’ll just tell you that I feel it when I don’t take it.

Why? Because I get bloated, constipated (especially if I take the wrong iron), am prone to yeast infections, fatigue and low immunity. Basically, probiotics (as the name implies) are the opposite of ANTIbiotics. They help put good bacteria back into your system (intestines and gut, mostly) to promote balance and good health. Probiotics keep your intestines clean and help you absorb more nutrients from the food you eat (especially protein!)

Find a good, stable probiotic (like Bariatric Advantage Chewable, or Jarrodophilus EPS capsule). These don’t need to be refrigerated, and each contains billions of live cultures — (no, you can’t see them move! LOL) The key to stability is, you want something that will last more than a year, or it loses its efficacy.

Fish Oil (EPA/DHA)
Omega 3 fatty acids are good for your heart, because they can decrease the risk of arrhythmias, lower blood pressure (slightly) and slow the growth rate of plaque in your arteries. You get Omega 3s from eating fish, but if you can’t eat enough fish, you can take capsules. Oh, you can also get it from flaxseed (which I just so happen to add to my morning shakes!) Now, you don’t want to go crazy with the capsules, just take 1 or 2 a day. This stuff also helps your skin and hair, so it’s a good thing.

Possible signs of deficiency: There are about a bajillion signs, but my favorite is listed as “aging.” Apparently, aging is a side effect of not taking enough Omega 3s. Okay, okay, I’m pretty sure that’s not what they meant, but still, it did stand out. I think they were referring to looking older than you are (wrinkles) feeling older than you are (depression, fatigue), and being prone to lots of nasty things (like alzheimers, diabetes, chorines disease, macular degeneration, obesity — um, yes, that would count, stroke, kidney disease and even cancer.) Bottom line: Just take it.

But, I hate it when I burp fish taste after taking a capsule.

Cinnamon Extract
Not only does cinnamon extract KILL the fish burps, it’s also great for maintaining health blood sugar levels! In other words, if you take one of these with each fish capsule, you shouldn’t experience peaks and valleys associated with blood sugar spikes. Oh, and it smells really nice, too.

Vitamin D3
First of all, Vitamin D3 isn’t really a vitamin at all, but is a hormone mainly used to signal the release and absorption of calcium and phosphorous from various body tissues. If you get sun, you should be able to synthesize Vitamin D3, but you can also get it in fortified foods like milk, butter, eggs, margarine, as well as beef, veal, egg yolks, liver and fatty fish. Yes, you CAN overdose on this stuff, but it’s fairly hard for us post-ops. Experts don’t agree on exactly how much you should take, and it is often contained in your quality multi-vitamin and calcium tablet, but I just take more because it can help with my depression (since I don’t get out in the sun too often) and it protects me from prostate cancer. Oh, I don’t have a prostate? Okay, then breast cancer. Either way, it’s good for boys and girls, so just take it.

Possible signs of deficiency: Rickets. Yup. You can get rickets, which is where your bones become brittle. Not good. You can also develop osteoporosis, which you won’t be aware of until the outwards signs are readily noticeable. In other words, you might not be aware of the deficiency until you break a bone, and by then, it’s kinda late.

Okay, so that concludes our presentation of the “ordinary” vitamin supplements that you hear about every day.

Now for the extra-ordinary vitamin supplements.

Ubiquinol + CoQ10
Ubiquinol is the pre-convered, active antioxidant form of CoQ10 which, when taken in this form, is ideal for those of us who are 40 and older. If you are under 40, then you can just take CoQ10.

Why take it? Well, it contributes to cardiovascular and cognitive health, increased energy and stamina and general health and wellness. It also regenerates other antioxidants (like Vitamins C and E) and may help protect your heart from free radical damage. So, what are free radicals (and why should I care, if I’m a political conservative)? Well, politics aside, free radicals are unstable oxygen molecules that every cell produces every day. In other words, our bodies generate them. But they are also available eternally (like environmental toxins) Basically, these nasty little buggers break down our bodies as we age (and the side effects aren’t pretty). Antixoidants help combat the effects of the free radicals (which is a good thing). Essentially, I take this so I have more energy, feel better, and won’t get old. Okay, I’m kidding about that last part — but…maybe?

Natural sources of antioxidants: Blueberries, blackberries, strawberries, grapes, garlic (probably best not eaten with your fruit), and extra virgin olive oil (apparently, olive oil which merely *abstains*, but does not take a permanent vow of *celibacy* doesn’t count. Be careful here).

Milk Thistle
Why? It’s for liver health, and I had hepatitis in high school. Darn near killed me, so I do lots of things to protect my poor liver. Milk Thistle not only my liver from toxins, it also helps repair cells and promotes the regeneration of new cells. If you still have your gall bladder (which I do not), this stimulates bile flow and can help prevent and treat gallstones. It is also good for your immune system, digestive system, can help smooth the uterine muscle (thus minimizing menstrual problems), and control food and sugar craving (time to up my dosage…)

Why is liver health important and how can I be at risk if I don’t drink alcohol? I’m glad you asked. Turns out that diets which contain “excessive” protein and carbs can DAMAGE the liver. We bariatric types do eat a lot of protein, even though we don’t absorb all of it, but guess what else we do? We take VITAMINS — things like A, D, E and K can be dangerous to the liver if you take too much of them; same with iron. SO, you want to just watch your liver when you get your blood work done each year, and make sure to exercise regularly. That’s the laymen’s explanation, anyway.

Amino Acids
Basically, our bodies need amino acids to function, but our bodies don’t make all that we need. Therefore, we have to consume them in food or through supplements. You’ll typically be able to spot an amino acid because it ends in an “ine” — though not always. Now, any aminos that your body cannot produce on its own are called ESSENTIAL amino acids, and they affect different things.
These are the ones I take. There are more, but I don’t want to get crazy. Whoops, too late.

L-Glutamine (Technically, this is a semi-essential amino)
Protects muscle tissue and supports immune function; also serves as a source of fuel for cells lining the intestines. It is involved in more metabolic processes than any other amino acid and can help maintain balance during times of severe stress. Yes, I have that.

Glucosamine, Chondroitin with MSM
Promotes healthy flexible joints. I work out a lot and really trashed my joints — especially knees — when I was obese. This helps with stiffness. Some people doubt its efficacy, but I truly notice it when I don’t take it. No, not right away, but that’s because I am slow to notice sometimes – LOL.

Alpha-Lipoic Acid:
Antioxidant (hey, where have I heard THAT before?) that helps detox the liver! Again with the liver. This is one that I *don’t always take* and am *not sure I notice* anyway. I may not “renew”…

L-Carnitine:
It’s an amino acid derivative which is manufactured by the body and used in energy metabolism and for proper use of fats by transporting fatty acids into mitochondria (the powerhouses of cells). In other words, it can help you recover when you work out AND it reduces the accumulation of lactic acid (all the gain without the pain).

Benefits: Good for your heart, good for your thyroid, good for your kidneys, good for immune problems, cardiomyopathy and a bunch of other stuff. Most people don’t need it, however, people with a history of liver disease (hey, that’s me – again!) seem to benefit from therapeutic use

Quercetin with Bromelain Enzymes
Allergy support that maintains the proper functioning of the body’s histamine response. Brings natural sinus support. Quercetin is an antioxidant (there’s that word again) that supports the body’s inflammation response and histamine processes, while bromeliad increases the absorption of quercetin. The ‘ole 1-2 punch It is also a powerful inflammation response supporter AND (wait for it) protein-digesting enzyme! Hey, we need that. I take it because I am allergic to everything. Simply everything. My throat likes to swell and then I cough and gag — nice. This helps.

That concludes our presentation of vitamins and supplements in Gastric Bypass Barbie’s Bariatric regimen.

SO. How much of all this stuff should you take, and do you need it all?

I can’t answer that question; only you and your healthcare professional can make that determination. What I would suggest is this: If you are taking the vital supplements as outlined by the bariatric surgery guidelines, and still don’t feel “quite right,” look into adding some supplements (responsibly), based upon your medical history and particularly symptoms. I’d recommend adding slowly, doing your research, and monitoring your blood work closely. It is important to determine the proper dosage for your body, and also recognize that you can take too much (or too little) of something to derive the benefit, so be educated.

I hope you found this information to be useful, but if you didn’t, that’s okay too. You don’t need to ask me why I take all of this stuff, and you don’t need to tell me I shouldn’t be taking it, and you don’t need to tell me I misspelled “rickets”, or something.

After a year and a half of studying it, I KNOW why I take it, how much to take, and how to spell it — LOL.

GOOD LUCK AND GOOD HEALTH!

Habits or Behaviors?

I haven’t blogged about therapy in awhile, and I thought I’d take a moment to share what happened on Tuesday morning (I now go Tuesday mornings, instead of Fridays or Thursdays, just so you won’t be confused).

I was talking to Jim about my frustrating — though enjoyable — trip to Mexico to pick up my in-laws. The long and short of it was this: I had packed my protein and told myself that I had everything I needed: Tortilla/Flax/Soy chips, instead of tostadas or corn tortillas; beans, cheese, Greek yogurt — heck, even salsa! For “sweets” I had brought a Power Crunch bar (peanut butter), and I had plenty o’ Protein Blitz and Propel Waters. Even brought a package of Body Tech Pro Pudding. In other words, I left nothing open to chance.

Now, for those of you who might not understand how things roll with Mexican families, when you arrive at a house, you are immediately offered FOOD. Okay, my family understands that I have my own food, and they are not offended that I can’t partake of the pozole (pork and hominy soup), or rice, or fideo (noodle soup). They truly understand and this is wonderful. So, I sat down with a bowl of beans, some of my sister-in-law’s salsa, my Greek yogurt, and a little melted cheese, and life was good. Until she put the stack of warm, fresh, corn tortillas on the table. I lasted…oh…about 5-1/2 seconds. BAM. Knocked back TWO (that I’m willing to admit) in a very short (painfully short) span of time. Yes, my pouch paid the price. But the salsa burned right through it and life was bién (otra véz).

Until the Mexican pastries came to town. Now, I hate Mexican pastries — they are dry and not sweet enough. Except for the stupid cortedillos — which are really nothing more than a trés leches cake with pink frosting and sprinkles. It was my Kryptonite before surgery, and it is still my Kryptonite now. Oh. and the stupid marshmallow cookies. And the iced cookies that I’d never seen before, but had to eat. By the handfuls.

Okay, I think you can see where this went: WILDLY AND UTTERLY OFF THE RAILS.

Thank God I was only there for about 24 hours, that’s all I can say.

Did I mention the churros? Two, DIFFERENT batches of churros? Plucked straight from the hot vat of boiling oil? Yeah, you can’t cross the border without eating them. It’s breaking some immigration law, or something. I’m serious.

Anyway, with that debacle behind me, I sulked my way into therapy and lamented that I was tired of Binge Barbie taking over my life, even though I make all sorts of plans and contingencies to steer clear of the trouble.

Sadly, we (Jim and I) did not arrive at a solution for that problem yet –– (why do they always have to buzz his office to tell him somebody else is waiting in the lobby just when I’m getting to the good stuff?)  –– although I believe we are laying the groundwork for progress and change.

HOWEVER, the session was not a total loss, and one of the things that did come up, was my abject dislike of the term “habits.” I hate that word: HABITS. Whether it’s preceded by the word “bad” (as in bad habits), or “good” (as in — something I am supposed to be creating in my Bariatric After Life.) Pffffttt.

See, I am a skeptic about recovery. That’s just the bottom line. I look at alcoholics and drug addicts, and all I see is a vast majority of people who DON’T “make it” and very, very small minority of people who do. (I am also, apparently, a pessimist about it). Perhaps I should stop watching “Intervention.”

Hmmm…I dunno.

Whatever the case, I tend to look at people who actually remain in recovery from their addictions as the RESULTS-NOT-TYPICAL crowd. I’ve written about this before in regard to my own experience as a post-op. I am a results-not -typical because I (at one point) lost way more than I wanted to. Apparently, I am not generous in my application of that label to all aspects of my life, so deep down (or not so deep down) inside, I have doubts that I will be able to overcome my binge addiction. I bristle when I hear people blithely tell me that “all I have to do is create healthy new habits to replace unhealthy old ones.” As if.

So, one of the ground rules I laid with Jim is the fact that we will NOT be working on developing any sort of habits for me. What we will be doing is establishing new behaviors to replace old ones. Now, that might just sound like simple semantics, but the point of it all is that when I hear the word “habits,” I think of the words “subconscious” or “automatic” — as in, I will learn to “automatically” or “subconsciously” do the right things because they will become HABITUAL to me.

Uh, no.

I believe — and perhaps I am mistaken, and maybe I am selling myself short — but I believe that my bad habits are deeply ingrained because they are LEARNED habits that were created when I was a blank slate. In other words, it was not hard to internalize them, because there was nothing in their place to start with.

Now, at age 43 (and some), to try and create a NEW habit would imply that I am dislodging the OLD habit, and I really don’t believe that is possible. I view it like a chalkboard. You remember how, when the teacher would erase the board to write something new, there would always be chalk residue, and even a little bit of writing left over? (That, by the way, was one of my pet peeves! If there was a HINT of writing left on the board, I would hyperfocus on it to the exclusion of all else on the board. Story for another day.) Okay, so the point of that metaphor is, when you erase the chalkboard, there’s still chalk-residue — old habits that you are trying to overwrite. But you always know there was something else there, and I think that gets in the way of replacing the old habit with a new one.

I believe that the only way I will succeed at beating this binge addiction thing is to reframe my strategy. I can’t comfortably target “subconscious habits” so I’m going to go for new learned behaviors which will never be intrinsic, intuitive, habitual or automated. I will always have to “stop, drop and roll.” You know? Like, stop the bad behavior in its tracks, think about the correct behavior, then implement the new behavior. I don’t really know if I will be able to do this every time, and when I’m not successful, will I just want to stop trying? I don’t know, but one would hope not.

Jim reminded me that, when treating an alcoholic, recovery does NOT necessarily mean complete and total abstinence. This revelation shocked, scared and excited me a bit. I mean, I am a very black and white person. If you’re an alcoholic, then you’re no longer in recovery the minute you take a drink. Black. White. I apply the same (flawed) definition to bingeing. The minute I binge — even a little, it’s all over.

Well, part of my goal is to find techniques to minimize harm from bingeing. Sounds like a tall order, but I’m up for the challenge. Even though I had a bad day yesterday. Ugh. Hey, nobody said it was gonna be easy!

So, that’s what’s been happening in therapy. I have some other thoughts, too, but my brain and fingers are tired for now, so I will blog more later.

Rainbows, Unicorns & Myths

TRUE OR FALSE: 50% of all marriages end in divorce. FALSE

How many of you have heard AND REPEATED that statistic?

Well, I’ve got news for you: That supposed statistic is actually a misrepresentation and gross distortion of facts. You can find support for this in about a million locations on the web, but I chose the following site because it clearly explains why the oft repeated divorce statistic is totally untrue:

A false conclusion in the 1970s that half of all first marriages ended in divorce was based on the simple but completely wrong analysis of the marriage and divorce rates per 1000 people in the U.S. A similar abuse of statistical analysis led to the conclusion that 60% of all second marriages ended in divorce.

These errors have had a profound impact on attitudes about marriage in our society and it is a terrible injustice that there wasn’t more of an effort to get accurate data (essentially only obtainable by following a significant number of couples over time and measure the outcomes) or that newer, more accurate and optimistic data isn’t being heavily reported in the media.

It is now clear that the divorce rate in first marriages probably peaked at about 40% for first marriages around 1980 and has been declining since to about 30% in the early 2000s. This is a dramatic difference. Rather than view marriage as a 50-50 shot in the dark it can be viewed as a having 70% likelihood of succeeding.  But even to use that kind of generalization, i.e., one simple statistic for all marriages, grossly distorts what is actually going on.

Source: http://www.drheller.com/divorcemyths.html

• • •

TRUE OR FALSE: Lemmings commit mass suicide by hurling themselves off cliffs and into the water where they drown. FALSE.

According to Wikipedia:

The myth of lemming “mass suicide” is long-standing and has been popularized by a number of factors. In 1955, Disney Studio illustrator Carl Barks drew an Uncle Scrooge adventure comic with the title “The Lemming with the Locket”. This comic, which was inspired by a 1954 American Mercury article, showed massive numbers of lemmings jumping over Norwegian cliffs.[8][9] Even more influential was the 1958 Disney film White Wilderness, which won an Academy Award for Documentary Feature, in which staged footage was shown with lemmings jumping into sure death after faked scenes of mass migration.[10] A Canadian Broadcasting Corporation documentary, Cruel Camera, found that the lemmings used for White Wilderness were flown from Hudson Bay to Calgary, Alberta, Canada, where they did not jump off the cliff, but in fact were launched off the cliff using a turntable.[11]

Because of their association with this odd behavior, lemming suicide is a frequently used metaphor in reference to people who go along unquestioningly with popular opinion, with potentially dangerous or fatal consequences.

In other words, when you say that someone is “like a lemming to the sea” you’re really just saying that they are migratory.

• • •

TRUE OR FALSE: People who get paid for reviews can’t be trusted to give an honest critique. FALSE.

Ahhh, this one is a little harder, right? I mean, if someone (let’s say, a blogger) receives monetary compensation from a company to give an impartial review of their product, the prevailing attitude in the ethosphere seems to be that the blogger can not be trusted. BUT, if they get the product for FREE, then it’s okay. But…wait a minute, isn’t receiving free product COMPENSATION? If that’s the case, then, according to the conventional wisdom, logically, we shouldn’t listen to any blogger who receives product for free because their opinion is being bought and paid for.

But…that doesn’t seem right, I mean, there are so many bloggers out there who spend a lot of time and energy making sure everybody knows they “haven’t been paid to give a review.” In actuality, unless they purchased the product themselves, that’s a misstatement.

Let’s look a little deeper here.

I believe that the misconstrued concept of “not being ‘paid’ for a review” actually comes from the necessity for complete legal disclosure. As a reviewer, many companies require me to DISCLOSE that I was not PAID for my review and received FREE product. Is that so people will trust me? Not at all! It has more to do with compensation, income taxes, accounting, consulting, etc. than it does anything else. If you PAY for someone to advertise for you, that is different than if you GIVE FREE PRODUCT (and receive advertising for it.)

Do you see what I mean?

Clearly, somewhere along the line, someone heard the phrase, “I was not paid for this review,” and decided that it meant something that it didn’t. They determined (incorrectly and illogically) that, since the person wasn’t ‘paid’ (in money) for their review, they were more believable! So began the myth. Just like the inaccurate divorce statistic and lemming mass suicide!

Well, in my case, I AM compensated for every review I do IF I am given free product. Does that mean you shouldn’t listen to me? Does that mean the companies I talk about are BUYING my complimentary reviews? No, it means that legally, they don’t have to declare me as a paid consultant for their company, and that’s about it.

When you think about it, why would it make more sense to listen to someone who isn’t compensated to do what you’re asking them to do?

To me, it doesn’t.

I guess what I’m saying is, if a person is qualified to do something that a company needs, a company can choose to hire that person to perform a service on their behalf.

When did that become a crime? Does a blogger who is monetarily compensated have to wear a scarlet “$” on their chest?

Now, let’s muddy the water a bit. How about critics? Aren’t they paid to do television shows and write newspaper articles about movies, techno-gadgets, cars, or anything else that they review? Think about Roger Ebert, or Leo LaPorte (the tech guy). These guys have television and radio programs where they are PAID to give their OPINIONS about the products they review. Sure, they probably get to watch the movies for free, and they probably get free iPods, cell phones and other gadgets — BUT, the people who broadcast their programs PAY them to do what they do. They are PAID to give their OPINION because it has been proven that they are trustworthy and knowledgeable.

Ultimately, am I more likely to listen to Leo LaPorte, or to my next door neighbor, next time I’m in the market to buy a computer? I’ll probably ASK my neighbor’s opinion (see how he likes his, etc.), but I will give Leo LaPorte’s opinion more weight, because of his technical expertise (and, because he has a good track record). I do not discount his opinion because the radio station pays him to do a show, and I do not value my next door neighbor’s opinion more because it’s free. It actually flies in the face of logic to do that!

So, what about me? In my case, when I am looking for a new protein powder, bar or healthy snack idea, I don’t really care if a reviewer (or blogger) is paid to review it; I care whether my tastebuds AGREE with that reviewer’s taste buds, plain and simple. And, who cares if the opinion I listen to was paid for, lock, stock and barrel by a company?

If I like something, I like it.

But, I’m not done yet.

When did it become accepted practice that reviewers had to automatically give companies FREE advertising for their products?

If I don’t do that, am I bad and wrong?

Am I a better person if I review something FOR FREE?

You know, I’ve actually had people tell me that I’m not too smart for “giving away” my reviews — which is something I don’t agree with, by the way, because I happen to love what I do. I prefer to think of myself as just generous…but if I like something, I like it, and I talk about it. A LOT. That’s because I believe in helping people and companies to succeed.

But, let’s get real! If a company WANTS to pay me to do a review for them, I won’t turn them down, nor will I LIE about my opinion of their product. You can’t buy a lie from Barbie!

Call it full disclosure, but when you hear me say that I receive free product, I’m not saying it so you’ll believe me more. I’m saying it because, legally, I have too And, if someday I get paid for my opinion…I’ll celebrate. Then, I’ll cash the check.

Epiphany: No WONDER I thought I was fat.

I had a strange little memory while working out on the elliptical this morning. In a flash, I was 8 years old again, and I was in the try-on room at Zody’s (an old store like Kmart). Of course, nothing was fitting, and my mom had to keep sending in bigger and bigger sizes until we found pants that would fit around my sizable rear. Unfortunately, finding something big enough for my “big butt” automatically meant that the waist would be miles too big, since there was no such thing as “spandex,” “elasticized waists” or “drawstrings” in the junior department. My mom would inevitably have to “take it in” and “take it up.”

I concluded that, because nothing fit, I MUST BE FAT.

Who could actually FIT these things...?

...or these?

Now, if you’ve been reading me for any period of time, you’ll know that I’ve lamented about the trauma/drama of not being able to wear the designer jeans of the day (the saddleback Dittos, sailor front Chemin de Fer, and stitched pocket Jordache), and I’ve mentioned that my thighs were too “extreme” for the cute shorts everyone wore (Dolphin and OP, mostly), but it occurred to me this morning that the fact that I couldn’t “FIT” into the über straight cut clothes didn’t make me FAT; it made me CURVY.

It’s a shame I didn’t make that connection back then, because I might have avoided a life of morbid obesity. Unfortunately, the words “curvy” and “pretty” weren’t celebrated on the pages of Teen Dream, 16 and Tiger Beat magazine. No, back in those days, the cover girls we envied were Cheryl Tiegs and Christie Brinkley: Gorgeous, tan, blonde, leggy bombshells who were NOT recognized for any curves below the waistline. And, of course, they were always photographed in bathing suits — another area where I couldn’t find anything that fit, because of the tremendous disparity between my “top” and my “bottom.” And, in case you’re wondering why I was looking to older models for reference, the younger ones CERTAINLY didn’t have curves (or weight problems), either. You had Tatum O’Neal, Kristy McNicol and Valerie Bertonelli (who, as we since learned, did battle her weight, but it never showed in her jeans, and no one ever talked about it!) Great choices for a curvy kid, right?

Essentially, because of the barrage of messages from the media – which was still recovering from the days of Twiggy, thank you very much, plus, a dearth of curvy role models (Sophia Loren? Marilyn Monroe? Where were you?), my conclusion that I was FAT was not unnatural or unexpected; it was just unfortunate.

Of course, now that I’m happily enjoying the Bariatric After Life™ and can easily fit into things “off-the-rack” it would be easy to say that I’ll never have self-doubt again. But, trust me, I still have trouble with things being small — only now, it’s UP TOP! (Juniors don’t have a C-Rack) I’m just saying

Fortunately, because of my therapy, constant self-analysis, self-correction, and emotional clarity, when something DOESN’T fit, I no longer conclude that there must be something wrong with ME. I now see that my body is as unique as I am, and the clothing I wear does not DEFINE me; it merely reflects my personality and zest for life.

How sad that it took nearly 40 years for that message to sink in, but how glorious that it didn’t take 40 more!

How about you? Was there a defining moment in your life that set the wheels for obesity in motion?

HEALING: How can you forgive me if I can’t forgive myself?

FORGIVENESS. This word has been making quite an appearance in my life over the course of the past month or so, but not in ways I’d have imagined. You see, when I see or hear the word “FORGIVENESS,” I always think of it from the perspective of ME forgiving someone ELSE. I rarely think of someone ELSE needing to forgive ME, and NEVER think of ME forgiving MYSELF. Yet, those last two scenarios are precisely where I have found myself lingering — or should I say marinating?

It all started when I began to connect the dots between what I had always BELIEVED about myself, vs. what I have recently LEARNED to be the truth. Unfortunately, as with many self-epiphanies, the reality is a far cry from the fantasy.

For years, I always believed that I was a “nice” person. You know, generous, compassionate, nurturing…NICE. Well, as I’ve evolved in my Bariatric After Life™, I’ve come to learn a few things about myself that would seem to fly in the face of those descriptors. In high school, if you asked any of my friends how they’d describe me, they’d probably have said, “funny, creative, outgoing, and sweet.” They’d also all have agreed that I was “most likely to fall in love, get married, and raise a big family.” This is probably because I was so “in love with love.” Maybe that’s where I got the idea that I was a “loving” person. Was I really just lovable? Hard to say. And compassionate? I think I always confused “compassion” with “sympathy” or “empathy,” but I can’t be sure. I say this, because I always seemed to deeply “FEEL” others’ emotions and sensations, but did that make me compassionate or nurturing toward them, or just understanding?

Whatever the case, I did fall in love, married an amazing man, and gave birth to a pretty incredible daughter. Unfortunately, the pregnancy was really rough, and the postpartum depression was crippling. I began to beat myself up because I wasn’t living up to my expectations as a wife and mother. Heck, I couldn’t even be “pregnant” like a normal woman, what made me think I could be a good mom? Basically, in those early years, I couldn’t stand my daughter, felt guilty about it, and ran away to my job, convincing myself that I was doing the best thing for my family by being a good provider.

Of course, the harder I worked, the less satisfied I was with myself, I got fatter and fatter, my relationship with my daughter worsened, and my marriage deteriorated. It took 2 years (and 70 pounds) to finally be diagnosed with major depressive late luteal phase disorder and be placed on medication. But of course, by that time, the damage was done. I hated myself for letting everyone around me down, and the only way I knew to feel better was to bury myself in school and work. That’s because those things gave me instant gratification: “Hey! Great paper — you get an A!” “Good job on that assignment, here’s a raise!” You don’t get certificates, pay raises, and letter grades for being a good wife and mother, but I didn’t realize I was chasing that affirmation. Again, I thought I was doing a good thing for my family.

Fast forward 17 years and about 160 pounds. I’d been doing work to try and fix myself and my marriage, and tried to be a better mom, but I was carrying colossal guilt, had been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and was just plain sick and tired of being sick and tired. I felt worthless, disappointed, guilty and cheated.

Fortunately, I learned about gastric bypass surgery and was granted the gift in December 2007.

What I didn’t realize then, was how much guilt I’d be left with, even after shedding as much as 180 pounds. I thought I’d done the emotional work and would now just have to do the “physical work” to tie the two parts together, but nothing could be further from the truth. The slimmer and healthier I got, the more clear the truth became: I was responsible, in large part, for my obesity and had been living in denial about my role for my entire life. I began to feel guilty for not appreciating life when I was younger, and always believing I was fat or less-than. I began to feel guilty for not being active and doing physical things to get in shape. I began to feel guilty for basically trashing an amazing life I’d been given by God. Oh yes, and I began to feel guilty for not being the mother or wife I believed I should have been.

It’s really hard to forgive yourself when you are buried by guilt, and even harder to let OTHERS forgive you.

But you know what? I believe that my total healing from obesity will only begin when I am able to forgive myself and let others forgive me. As a recovering perfectionist, this is a challenging task, but one that I am meeting head-on every day. Part of my recovery is coming from talks with my therapist, but also from my supportive hubby (MexiKen) and with my beautiful (and forgiving) daughter, who sweetly told me that she didn’t think I was “as bad a mom” as *I* thought I was. God love her — she’ll learn (LOL).

So, if I had to summarize this long-winded post on forgiveness, here is what I would tell you: I have learned that obese people have a LOT of guilt. They blame themselves for their obesity; they blame themselves because they are cut-off from friends and loved ones; they blame themselves because they stop living. Ultimately, they blame themselves because they abuse, misuse and take for granted the precious gift of life entrusted to them, and they don’t believe they deserve the second chance that bariatric surgery provides.

As I stand here today, living a full and active Bariatric After Life™, I realize that there is still much work to be done — only it isn’t going to be losing weight or inches, building muscles, or hiking, biking or walking farther.

No, the work I need to do is on my heart, for that is where the forgiveness resides.

So, here’s what I’ve begun to do: Each morning, before I rise, I say positive and motivating affirmations out loud.

I say: I forgive myself for not being perfect; I forgive myself for not being healthy for so many years; I forgive myself for not being a perfect mother or wife. I forgive myself for not being the person I believed I was. Today, I will work hard to be the best person, wife and mother I am capable of being, and will work to improve the things I don’t like about myself.

Today, I will let others forgive me and I will forgive myself.

I hope you can forgive me for writing this long posting, but clearly, it was about 38 years in the making.

My Life as a “Before”

I get lots of requests for “before” pictures. Just about every day, someone will say, “You look great now, but what did you look like before?” And you know what? I am hard pressed to show them, save for a few really horrible shots. I’m sure there are more floating around out there…somewhere…if I didn’t burn them or tear them into a million pieces at the time. I just don’t know WHERE they are. This is a very sad reality for me because, today as I look back over the course of the past 2-1/2 years (exactly), I realize how hard it is to prove I even existed for all of those years before December 10, 2007.

The “after” me chides the “before” me for not taking at least ONE freaking “official” before picture the night before surgery. But the “before” me responds that she was too afraid of failing.

Again.

She was terrified that the “final official before” picture would turn out to be proof of yet another failure.

Those are really hard words to write, but they are true.

Even after shedding those 50 pounds before surgery — even then — I still believed I might fail at “surgery.” I was still mortified by what the camera saw; still in denial and disbelief at the person staring back at me from a puffy face with eyes buried beneath chubby cheeks, and a mouth hovering above a triple chin.

As much of an optimist as I am today, I must tell you that, even in the final moments before surgery, though I never let on, I was terrified it would be a wasted effort. I could never really see myself as an “after,” so why would I need a “before”?

I guess the reason I’m writing this is because I want to stress a few things:

1) If you have not yet had your surgery — TAKE A BEFORE PICTURE. Take lots of them. From all angles. Yes, even from the rear view. Be sure to smile — not because you are happy about the way you look, but because you are excited about the person you will become. If you have already had surgery, but are early in the process, take a ton MORE pictures. You’ll need them to prove your success to yourself. Trust me.

2) Be gentle with yourself; you’re the only “you” you’ve got.

3) If you have had your surgery, but have not yet gotten to the point where you love what you see in the mirror (or in the camera’s lens), forgive yourself for all that happened before and believe in all of the good things to come.

4) If you have reached your “happily ever after,” and are so darned smitten with yourself that you can’t even pass a security camera without smiling, waving and looking for the monitor, celebrate the gift of this surgery, but never forget where you came from.

5) Remember your “before” self, but love the “after” self enough to never go back.

Today, 2-1/2 years after bariatric surgery changed my life, I am thankful for good health, great joy, tremendous love and amazing beauty. I suppose I don’t need a lot of “before” pictures to remember the dark years, so I’ll stop beating myself up and just enjoy the very happiest Bariatric After Life™ possible.

I hope you will do the same.

No to the Food. Yes to the Feelings.

This afternoon, I was eyeing a box of Sweet Tarts (you know, those silly conversational candy hearts we used to eat on Valentine’s Day?) Why (do you ask) was I ogling a box of candy in the first place? Well, it’s a print job we did, and it is sitting on my sample shelf. (In other words, I didn’t go BUY IT!)

Now, you know the adage: “Old habits die hard…” but, THIS TIME, since returning from the OH Conference this past weekend, I am 100% recommitted to THINKING instead of ACTING. What does that mean? Well, rather than just grabbing for it (out of habit), I THOUGHT about it.

Boy, was I surprised by the thoughts that came to mind:

• Would this make me feel better?
• Would this make me feel better about myself?
• Would this make me FEEL?

No kidding. Just like that. Bam!

In the past, I ate to FEEL BETTER (which, of course, we all know never happened). So ultimately, I would feel BAD about myself, (all because I was avoiding the very act of FEELING…whatever that feeling was…lack of control, depression, sadness, happiness, frustration, stress, boredom.) So, it was a useless cycle of eat-and-feel-bad, eat-and-feel-bad.

Today, in the Bariatric After Life™, instead of just mindlessly EATING, I asked myself that series of questions and the answers were surprisingly simple: No, no, and no. Upon further analysis, I realized that I wanted to eat a box of candies, because I was bored. There’s no other reason. I mean, right now, I’m under a full head of steam. There is so much I want to do, but I can’t do any of it here at the office. The net result is boredom (or at least that what it morphed into.) In the past, whenever boredom happened, I would reach out for something junky to eat. This time, while the motivation was no different, the response sure was.

Fortunately, this time, I was present enough in my thinking to confidently, purposefully, and quite happily say: NO to the Sweet Tarts and YES to the feelings. Yes, I understood that I was bored and frustrated, but how would eating that candy have made me feel in my clothes? Would eating it have magically made me feel better? Of course not! It never did before, so why would it now? You know the definition of insanity, right? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

Well, I FEEL that I made an amazing decision today. I FEEL really good about myself. I FEEL that I can repeat this exercise over and over again…until it becomes habit — and that doesn’t make me insane at all!

• Do you still struggle with the mistaken belief that food will make you feel better?
• Do you struggle with how you feel after you make a poor food choice, then begin to feel bad about yourself?
• Do you FEEL the feelings, or do you self-medicate to numb yourself?

Obviously, these are deep questions with no simple answers — save one: NO.

At least…that seems to be the best and easiest answer to me. So, next time you find yourself in a similar situation, PLAN to deliver that answer with bold, confident gusto:

Will eating this thing make me feel better? NO!
Will eating this thing make me feel better about myself? NO!
Will eating this thing help me to FEEL the feelings? NO!

I don’t know about you, but saying “No” never felt so great.

How do you FEEL about this?

My Miracle in Palm Desert

Last weekend, MexiKen and I were given the wonderful opportunity to stay in Palm Desert at our friends’ exquisite country club condo. Now, I must tell you that we have (for some unknown reason) NEVER been to Palm Desert or Palm Springs. I have no idea why, considering how (relatively) close it is, I mean, we have camped in Anza Borrego, Joshua Tree and Mojave on several occasions, so we are not unfamiliar with the desert…but *this* desert was different for a number of very key reasons.

1. We didn’t take the motorhome.
2. We didn’t go during the early spring or early fall (so it was actually HOT).
3. I wore perfectly normal and appropriate clothing.

Wait, what’s that last item? I wore perfectly normal and appropriate clothing?

Hmmm…that doesn’t seem like a big deal, does it?

Well…in my case, it was the source of unspeakable joy for an entire 48-hours. I’m not sure if you can identify with this, but I’ll explain why this was such a major occurrence, and maybe you’ll understand a little better.

In my “before” life — and that includes everything from my childhood, all the way through my young adult and obese life — I was NEVER happy with the myself or my body. In fact, I was so unhappy with how I looked, that I built a prison for myself that only got smaller and smaller as I got bigger and bigger.

When I was younger, I hated my “thunder thighs.” This meant that I was horribly uncomfortable in a bathing suit, and didn’t like wearing shorts because they would “ride up” when I walked. Other girls (whose thighs didn’t rub together like mine) had no problem keeping their shorts where they belonged, but mine were forever getting swallowed up by the friction.

And, did I mention my big butt? Yeah, I had one of those, too, so the waist was always too big on everything that fit around my hips. And then there was the matter of my kankles — drat, my German heritage; I was “blessed” with tree trunks, instead of ankles; I always said that my thighs dropped directly to my feet without tapering along the way.

And I hated my calves because there was zero definition — no matter how hard I worked them out — no muscles. Boots and socks did NOT fit over them, and there was nothing I could do to hide them. Oh, except wear long pants. No WAY could I wear clam diggers or capris; that would just be wrong.

And sleeveless or strapless things? Tops without bras? Tube tops? No freaking way. I hated my arms and despised hanging them out. I couldn’t wear puffy sleeved tops because the sleeves didn’t “puff” — IF they fit over my upper arms. My mom was forever adding buttons to cuffed blouses, letting them out, or adding new, longer elastic to things.

The fatter I got, the worse it became, until eventually, my uniform was black drawstring pants and a three-quarter sleeve top (stretchy, please). When my feet didn’t hurt, I could wear cute sandals and toe rings, but that was the extent of my fashion statement. I refused to wear dresses without panty hose — even summer dresses (okay, that’s still a problem for me, but never mind that), and I was just generally hot and miserable all the time.

And cute little jammies? You know, the kind with spaghetti straps? Silky, sexy things? Nothing doing. My chest was nowhere NEAR where it was supposed to be, the “girls” pointed down (watching where we’d “been” instead of “where we were going”) and they required me to hang my arms out. Hugely unsexy and unflattering in my book. So, I wore really attractive granny nighties with long enough “flutter sleeves” to cover my flab.

Am I painting a clear picture for you?

• I didn’t wear shorts, capris, tank tops, bathing suits, or sexy, cool jammies. Ever.
• I would rather have suffocated than let my ghastly flab hang out for all the world to see.

Well…this trip was different. This time, I had it all.

I wore a bathing suit to the public pool. Strode there (purposefully, and without a cover-up to hide my body). I got in the pool and swam around (even though there were — GASP! — *people there!*)

I wore cute Docker capris and a spaghetti strap tank to the Aerial Tram and no one looked at me like I was from another planet, because they were all dressed the SAME WAY.

I brought lovely little silk jammies to relax at night, and didn’t worry that MexiKen would think I looked like a bloated whale (or worse — GRAMMA!)

You know…my body is far from perfect now. It is shrinkly, and my legs droop, and my belly hangs…but I’ve been to hell and back, and I KNOW what hell looks like. Trust me, this is HEAVEN — in all its droopy glory. I will never begrudge myself joy and comfort again; this far too glorious to forsake!

Funny thing is, for all of my disbelief and abject joy, I don’t think MexiKen really understood the gravity of the occasion. I kept marveling about it in awestruck wonder; and he just said, “Oh, that’s nice, babe…” I don’t think he’s insensitive or wrong; I just think it’s all normal to him. He is “USED” to me now, even though I’m still getting acquainted with myself. For me, situations like these are STILL watershed moments; milestones that mark amazing points in my Bariatric After Life™.

I know there are many women who will not understand why I spent so many years punishing and tormenting myself, and maybe I never will either. All I know is, I don’t do it anymore, and I am loving every minute of my newfound freedom.

Bariatric surgery truly IS the gift that keeps on giving; it’s the miracle that knows no limits; it’s the liberator from a lifetime of self-imposed imprisonment.

When I say that I had the trip of lifetime this past weekend…I’m not exaggerating.

LIFE. IS. GOOD.